Mission: "3 a strongly felt aim, ambition, or calling" (oxforddictionaries.com)
Phil:
It all started with thoughts. I have looked to people in full-time Christian ministry. But it was not for me. I am terrified of public speaking, am I not? I can't handle this sort of a task, can I? To be not entrusted with a man's body, but his faith; his theology? That is truly terrifying.
Sure, God called us to tell people about God, to disciple people... But full-time ministry is just not for me. Is it? Is it?
These thoughts and others had been running through my head for many a year. I don't know when it started, perhaps even before I started university study in 2005...
So in my own way I have been seeking something to fulfill that which I have a mission for - improving the world. I sought it in psychology - I could have counselled people... but psychology also terrified me in the end. Could I really cope with people's problems? Then, no, probably not. Now, probably. Nevertheless I moved on and set my sights on statistics. Statistics can help people. They help governments by keeping them informed of how their country could be made better. "Aha!" went my mind. A safe zone. A place to hide. Here I could hide safely in the dark, buried in numbers, not having to deal often with people, but help people nonetheless.
Ah, statistics, how I enjoy statistics....
It was in this job that I found a friend, and also became somewhat disillusioned with government. My friend and I discussed issues often. Philosophical topics were not uncommon, but more often we talked about governance and its failings and flailings. So it was that I began to doubt how much my work would help people....
In the end I came to the conclusion that the best way to help people, to help the world would be to tell them about God. There are so many attempts at patching things up, these are good, but they do not reach to the heart of the problem unless they also tell of God. God transforms those who are his. He changes them to be more like him. We are not perfect, but we earnestly seek him who is perfect. He fills us with love. If the world were filled with his love it would be a better place.
So it was that I returned to where I had begun. Our Lord had told me in his word, simple, straightforward: "No one comes to the Father, except through me". That is, no one is redeeemed from the judgement upon them unless they call on the name of Jesus.... My faith had shamed my mind. My mind shrank from proclaiming the good news.
Now my faith and mind are in one accord and I know I must proclaim the good news. It is my prayer that I always do this.
Thus I come at last to the future I see for us from my mission, my strongly felt calling. To bible college we plan to go and whither then I cannot say (however right now we think, perhaps, to Ireland).
Now I shall leave you with a poem (at the bottom) and a note from my beloved, my Jessica whom I would not be able to do this without and thank and praise God for every day.
Jess:
I have had a leaning towards mission for a few years now. Phil seemed like the sort of man who would become a missionary and I was almost expecting it, I think. However, when he first started telling me about his thoughts, I was initially a little negative. I didn't think that we could be full-time missionaries. I think I believed that full-time missionaries were literally full-time missionaries. They were always out doing things for people, praying, teaching, helping, encouraging, etc. I was really scared that we wouldn't have time with each other, or for our children, if we are so blessed.
These were all silly thoughts. How could so many missionaries do all that and still have good marriages and family relationships?
We went to a discussion night, called Fireside Chat, where we were able to talk to several missionaries and ministry workers about what mission life was like, what we can do now, what steps we can take, and many other pressing questions. At that night, I talked to a CMS representative who encouraged me with her testimony of how she is still an introvert though her job requires her to meet and talk with many people on a regular basis.
This gave me a new perspective and I believe that, though it will most likely be difficult at times, we can make it work.
Today we talked with a pastor at our church, who encouraged us to keep exploring and praying. He also gave us some things to think about and a suggestion to become involved in an international student ministry group. This will hopefully give an idea of what being missionaries might be like for us.
I am very thankful for such an amazing God who did so much for us. A sovereign king who died, but was too great for death. I love that He loves us so much and I really hope that we can show this to others, and foremost to my Godly husband who shows me great love every day.
Running...
I have been running,
Running...
Much of my life running.
Irrational fear,
Hidden quietly away,
Fear of you, Lord.
What you might say.
What you might ask,
of me, of us...
I feared you would take my life,
our life.
Trample our wistful dreams.
Yet you gave me my mind,
Wonderfully crafted according to your will.
I cannot run,
You have used my mind against me,
After all has been considered,
I must go where you want me.
My will becomes yours,
My will bows to yours,
I am your slave.
And I am excited,
Because you have won,
As I have desired.
And I am terrified,
Because you have won,
As I have desired.
It is good that I have desired,
Good for the world,
Wounds healed,
Hearts restored,
And true love to abound.
Always in my work this I have desired:
To help people,
This I must do in some way,
Else I could not be content.
Now I hear you call,
And I listen,
How best to help,
but proclaim you?
How best to help,
but disciple your people?
How best to help,
but follow you?
My goals were always yours,
Only I did not see
(where were my eyes?)
And I did not hear
(did I forget my ears?)
Here am I! Send me.
